It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.