I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.