The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
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Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.