Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
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“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.