I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
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Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming