According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.