According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
![]()
You Might Also Like
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
![]()
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
![]()
![]()
![]()
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
It’s an epidemic…
![]()
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.