me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Stop it! 😂
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.