Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
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I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx