You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
You Might Also Like
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?