BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
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Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.