@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

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@traciebreaux

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

@iEmmaStoner

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

@jonnysun

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

@tarashoe

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

@bwebster76

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

@prawn_meat

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

@BrettDruck

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

@THEDUTHCHESS

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.