@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

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@noog

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

@rn_murse

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

@gerryhallcomedy

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

@LindaInDisguise

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

@Marlebean

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

@MedusaOusa

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

@Book_Krazy

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

@Playing_Dad

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

@KeetPotato

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

@LaLa_Lyds

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like