I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

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God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good


A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.


Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.


My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.


Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.


It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.



GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok


Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?


*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*


Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like