I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

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Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.


Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.


Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.


I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people


HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too


A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”


*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?


Other animals :


Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it


*sees any 3 stars in a row*

“that’s orion’s belt”


As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God


The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.