@MarlaCaceres Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
@AmishPornStar1 I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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@MarlaCaceres 
@ilovepie84 Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
@notalogin Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
@zakagan I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
@clichedout HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
@EndhooS A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
@treslat *Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
@kristendrum *sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
@iamkits As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
@JustinGuarini The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.