@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

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@MarlaCaceres

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

@ilovepie84

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

@notalogin

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

@zakagan

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

@clichedout

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

@EndhooS

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

@treslat

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

@kristendrum

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

@iamkits

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

@JustinGuarini

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.