@DeepDarkFear

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

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@BastardProphet

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

@TashyP_

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

@ParanoidParker

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

@BlindChow

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

@Kendragarden

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

@SoulYodeler

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

@Kraz60

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

@SCbchbum

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

@a_hoyhoy

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.