[eats all your cotton candy]
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My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.