If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
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My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
(True)
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this