dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.