I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
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In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.