I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Help Wanted
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.