The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
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PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Make new friends? bro out of what?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die