I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
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Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.