Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”