Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years