[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
lol
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.