Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
You Might Also Like
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth