Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?