*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
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2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
We found love in a hopeless place.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.