*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

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[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”


Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.


Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.


10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?


Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.


[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
Cool me too. I love planet earth


Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.


A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero


The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”