Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
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Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Storm Tropical Storm
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
some Old Testament wisdom
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Saturday
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
mumsnet is amazing
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right