my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.