@ka_waltz

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

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@DairylandDon

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

@SwedishCanary

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

@karanbirtinna

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

@HaliPhacks

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

@wildethingy

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

@ThisOneSayz

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

@_Tempo11

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.