my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

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To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.


Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…


(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.


Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.


I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.


MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?


27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!


Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.