foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
You Might Also Like
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Well, that should do it
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.