They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
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A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.