My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
You Might Also Like
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down