“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?