Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
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no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
This story is comedy gold 😂
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…