Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
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Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance