Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
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e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No