@Stap_Jr

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

You Might Also Like

@vineyille

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

@FunnyBison

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

@AmericanGent69

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

@rachelle_mandik

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

@MarloMeekins

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

@RodLacroix

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

@CafeinatedBacon

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

@stephenjmolloy

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

@Darlainky

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.