Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

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Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.


I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”


Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?


artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers


Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot


Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.


My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!


*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”


Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.