Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
You Might Also Like
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
A leaf blower, but for people.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.