Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
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I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
that lip filler tho
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.