@SteveKoehler22

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

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@michael_raphone

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

@Jandalize

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

@bewgtweets

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

@DanMentos

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

@LoveNLunchmeat

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

@BGH70

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

@cwhudson

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

@aligarchy

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

@djdarrellripley

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..