@SteveKoehler22

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

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@QwertyJones3

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

@TechnicallyRon

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

@KMoFlo_official

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

@batkaren

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

@permawedgie

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

@Aspersioncast

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

@JamesCoolie

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare