I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
This meal prepping shit easy
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
