I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.