Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
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Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
“no gods no masters” = leo
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Encore…
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.