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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”