Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Born to be mild.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.