“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast