When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
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I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
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I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.