When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
what day is it?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
When you kidnap a writer.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
this is literally a CIA plant
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.