I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice