I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.