Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
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“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
3% human
97% stress
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra