Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Please do it!
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
peeping toms
Waiting for the Charmin
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.