Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
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Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Stonehinge
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..