Stonehinge
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HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
NASA has no chill
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.