My wedding will be open casket.

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[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”


(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)



*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-


Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”


If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”


If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW


*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!


Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?