[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
My wedding will be open casket.
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*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?