My wedding will be open casket.
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?