Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
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“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.